Kamala Harris Briefly Ponders Stepping Across the DMZ To Whatever Fate Awaits Here

KOREAN DEMILITARIZED ZONE—Noting that it would be so easy to transform her life in an instant, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly briefly pondered stepping across the DMZ Friday to whatever fate would await her. “Just one step: That’s all it would take and then everything would change,” said the vice president, toeing the line of … Read more

Officer Claims He Cracked Open Man’s Skull To Check For Drugs

KNOXVILLE, TN—Insisting he had probable cause to search the 19-year-old’s brain case, police officer Patrick O’Shea explained to his precinct captain Friday that he had cracked open the skull of local man Dante Singleton to check for drugs. “Given the suspicious appearance of the head in question, I had no choice but to smash in … Read more

Lizzo Plays 200-Year-Old Crystal Flute Belonging To James Madison At DC Show

Singer and trained flutist Lizzo played a 200-year-old crystal flute made for President James Madison at her show in Washington, DC, the instrument on loan from the Library of Congress, which has the largest flute collection in the world. What do you do you think? “We all know he put that thing down after two … Read more

Who Will Be The Democratic Nominee In 2024?

Although the presidential election isn’t for another two years, it’s never too early to drive ourselves completely insane by speculating on the nominees. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their predictions on who will top the Democratic Party ticket in 2024.

Biggest Cases Of Welfare Fraud In US History

Former NFL star Brett Favre is currently under investigation for an alleged multimillion-dollar welfare fraud scheme in Mississippi. The Onion looks back at the biggest cases of welfare fraud in US history. 1798: Thomas Jefferson uses his political influence to acquire 10 slaves earmarked for distribution among the poor. 1860: Pony Express commits massive corporate … Read more

Most Famous Celebrity Sexts Of All Time

“Good afternoon, or, rather, good evening, as it were. I was wondering if perhaps, if you were so inclined, we could possibly—again, only if you were amenable to it—meet up at a location of your choosing, perhaps my place or yours, or some third location—I’m perfectly flexible—and, if you wanted to, we could maybe, perchance, … Read more

Experts Link Poor Posture To Accurate Understanding Of Self-Worth

CLEVELAND, OH—Uncovering a relationship between an arched spine and one’s innermost feelings, experts at the Cleveland Clinic reportedly found a link Tuesday between poor posture and an accurate understanding of self-worth. “According to our data, there is a distinct connection between a slouch in someone’s back and a clear-eyed recognition of their own fundamental worth … Read more