HHS Declares You Can’t Let Monkeypox Hold You Back If You Have Chance To Get Laid

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that sometimes, some things are just too good to pass up, the US Department of Health and Human Services declared Friday that you can’t let monkeypox hold you back if you have the chance to get laid. “Monkeypox is dangerous and highly transmissible through sexual intercourse, but when the rare and beautiful opportunity to share a night of passion with another person arises, you absolutely must take it,” said HHS Secretary Xavier Becerra, adding that while the United States was in in the midst of a public health emergency, no one should by any means turn down the prospect of experiencing true, unbridled carnal pleasure if they were lucky enough to find it. “Though community transmission of this disease is spiking and, in some cases, monkeypox can be incredibly painful, I beg you, please, don’t for a second hesitate to jump into that bed, rip off all your clothes, and experience what is perhaps the greatest ecstasy we are afforded as human beings. Now, suppose the moment is right, things are getting hot and heavy, but your partner has a few smallpox. Who cares? This is your one shot. Take it!” At press time, Becerra had picked up his phone, sprinted away from the lectern, and said he couldn’t let some stupid monkeypox press conference get in the way of him finally having sex.

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